Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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