just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
