I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
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