My friends, they love my intelligence
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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