I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
The air was thick with penises
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
