she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
