Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
