idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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