Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
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