i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Randomize
