My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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