easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
