whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
