My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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