Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize