just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Ambien. No doubt about it.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
