Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Randomize
