As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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