I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
