I would go down on you faster than GM stock
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
