I'll bet she douches with gravy.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
