New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
