I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
The power of my boobs compel you
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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