im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
