Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
Randomize
