Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Randomize
