chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
he wants to bone in the snuggie
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
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