her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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