She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Randomize
