I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
