dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
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