Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
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