i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
