kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
