i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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