oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
sex in a hospital.. check
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
