wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
