When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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