i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
If no ones going to say it, then I will. Vanessa Hudgens boobs are weird looking
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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