...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Randomize
