i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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