How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
