I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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