I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Randomize
