working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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