Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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