Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
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