I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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