I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Randomize
