she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
