Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize