he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
