dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
