Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
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