I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
