I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
fuck your aforementioned shoe
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
