It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
