When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Come see our sink grown plant.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Randomize
