I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
